The Disturbing Dietary Habits of Tropical Fish (and Other Curious Discoveries)

Safety tip: Always remove your snorkel before throwing up

Over the past few years, it has become exceedingly obvious that boats are a mode of transport with which my body is completely incompatible. Although I quite enjoy travelling by sea, I have learned the hard way that the feeling is not reciprocated. No matter what type of watercraft I board, I’m guaranteed to rapidly turn green with seasickness – even a Hawaiian longboard is capable of producing this effect.

The only positive to this unfortunate affliction is that it has led to fascinating discoveries I would never have had the opportunity to make otherwise. On a recent trip to Cairns, I took a snorkelling trip to the outer part of the Great Barrier Reef and discovered a number of very interesting facts. Here, in reverse order, are my top five:

5) Forgoing real drugs in favour of “all-natural” travel sickness medication is as effective as attempting to treat a shark-bite with a band-aid.

4) The appeal of the phrase “buffet lunch on-board” is inversely proportional to the distance of the boat from shore.

3) Severe nausea is not aided by attempting to squeeze into a wetsuit so tight your dive instructor later describes it as being suitable only for “a small Asian woman”. (An extra-special thank you to the inconsiderate a**hole who decided to  switch their wetsuit with mine, thereby allowing me to make this discovery.)

2) The classic seasickness prevention measure of always keeping your eyes on the horizon is nearly impossible to put into practice when two twenty-something European girls in bikinis sit opposite you and attempt to start a conversation.

1) Human vomit is a remarkably effective lure for Australian tropical fish.

I have to credit my similarly-afflicted girlfriend with bringing this last point to my attention, as she generously provided the “sample” that led to the discovery.

My own test conducted shortly afterward did, however, conclusively confirm her findings.

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